Book of Brodin Wiki
Welcome to the Book of Brodin Wiki A collection of works of the Swolefather, Brodin, Broseidon, Bropollo, Brosiris, and his brophets into a Brodinist-editable form such that it may please the Swolefather. The Book of Brodin welcomes your contributions and seeks assistance of volunteer editors to maintain this great work. The Book of Brodin Overview A collection of the works of the Swole Gods to spread the swolosophy of Brodinism. A disciple of Brodin shall always adhere to and practice the holy tri-cepts of the Swole, also known as The Swoley Trinity: #Swole of the Body #Swole of the Spirit #Swole of the Mind Brodin gifts us with the Swole of the Body when we worship him at the Iron Temples and present penance of the plates. But he only gifts the Swole to those that believe in the Swole. It is thus necessary to maintain the Swole of the Spirit; the constant and unwavering desire to improve ourselves in the eyes of Brodin. However, the Swole of the Body and the swole of Spirit may lead us to become corrupted and fall from the grace of Brodin. Swoletan desires for us to abuse Brodin's gifts and become muscle-bound idiots, uneducated heathens that lose sight of the essence of the Swole. It is necessary to practice the Swole of the Mind to prevent ourselves from falling from the grace of Brodin by succumbing to the plague of corrupted Swole and becoming a member of Swoletan's Mindless Swole. Go forth my brethren and may Brodin bless you in your journey to ultimate Swole. Learn more about Brodinism. Learn the Three Tenets of Swole (the "Tricepts") The Old Chestament (a/k/a the Swolespel / the Brobel / Gospel of Swole) The Old Chestament is the collection of writings that form the fundamental tenets of Brodinism. It is filled with wisdom, advice, encouragement, and stories revolving around Brodin, Brophets, and other deities. Pectateuch (Teachings) Gainesis Trapothy Brophets (History) Bromaster, also known as the Personal Trainer. The great prophet of Brodinism who compels all of the devout to remain true to the weighs through eternal repetition. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the name of Bromaster, our Personal Trainer, for deliverance through repetition. Let us weigh Wisdom To Be sorted: Brolossians / Brolippians / 1 Brorinthians / Swolossians Bralms / Swolms (including the famous Swolm 23 ) Brosaiah Bronicles Brozekiel Hebros The Book of Shrugs Traps of the Apostles The Lats' Prayer Hymns ("Swoly Hymns") Lesser Works Brahgakure Brahmmapadha Deltoids Flexidus Lifter Newbophyte Quad Swolamuel Swolothy Swolam The New Chestament (a/k/a the New Swolespel / the Brobel / Gospel of Swole) The New Chestament is the collection of writings and stories revolving around Zyzz and Zyzz's philosophies. Some Brodinists consider it sacred scripture, while others do not. The Gospels The Gospel of Masshuge The Gospel of Mark The Gospel of Glutes The Gospel of Brawn The Epistles Epistles to Philebro Other books Brovelations Deities of Brodinism The Swolefather, The Swoley Spirit Brodin - Bropollo - Broseidon - Lord of the Brocean, keeper of protein shake seas Brosiris - God of rest days and gains Broki - Trickster god, decieves the unwary and uninformed and leads them down the path of illusionary swole and false gains Prophets / Brophets Brometheus - bringer of iron to humanity Broses Brohammed Swolehartha Brotama Buddha Brotholomew Other aspects of Brodinism Locations Absgard - one of the worlds in the cosmos. It is inhabited by deities. Brohalla / Swolehalla Brolympus Sea of Galilift Temple of Brodin / Temple of Iron - where Brodinists pray by lifting heavy things, putting them down, and repeating. Vainaheimr Other terms Brosciples Brosary - how brodinists keep track of sets and reps Swolebrother / Swolesister Wheymen / Bramen Wheypocalypse To-be-organized Scripture Massthew 12 Confront the weak-privileged, for their path is unholy and unhealthy Massthew 4:12 "The Sermon on the (Squat) Rack" 1 Now when Brodin saw the full gym, he went up on the squat rack and plated. 2 His brociples came to him, and he began to teach them. 3 He said: 4 Blessed are the hypertrophic, for theirs is the kingdom of swolehalla. 5 Blessed are those who have DOMS, for they will recover. 6 Blessed are the vascular, for their forearms will be 'mired. 7 Blessed are those who hunger for protein, for they will hit their macros. 8 Blessed are those who don't skip leg day, for they will achieve T-Rex mode. 9 Blessed are the swole of heart, for they will remain Alpha. 10 Blessed are the spotters, for they will be called "Bro." 11 Blessed are those who are accused of 'roid use, for they have high T. 12 Blessed are the swole sisters when people call you "mannish", persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of your supreme glutes. 13 Rejoice and be glad, because great are your gainz, for in the same way they persecuted the brahphets who were before you. Massthew 5:1-12 13 Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. 14 For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to gainz, and there are few who find it. Massthew 7:13-14 13 And lo he did reach for his eye and in one movement deftly plucked it from the socket. 14 Holding it aloft he did address the crowd thusly: "I only need one eye for I judge not the character of my children by thine appearance." 15 And thus the crowd did show their appreciation and showered him with platitudes; but the God of the Iron Temple was not done for he took the removed eye and cast it into the sky to sit aside Bropollo. 16 "And with my other eye do I watch in eternal vigilance, spotting for you all." Massthew 10:13-16 29 Brodin returned to the Sea of Galilift and climbed a hill and sat down. 30 A vast crowd brought him the weak privileged, the soft, fat, skinny, and many others with physical weakness and excuses on the mind, and they laid them before Brodin. And he made them all swole. 31 The crowd was amazed! Those who hadn’t been able to squat were squatting, the fat were made healthy, the weak were infused with multiple servings of ground turkey, and those who had made excuses looked only towards their inner self! And they praised the God of Swol. 32 Then Brodin called his brociples to him and said, “I feel sorry for rest of these people. They have been here with me for three days, and they have nothing left to eat. I don’t want to send them away hungry, or they themselves will not become swol.” 33 The brociples replied, “And where would we get enough protein out here in the wilderness for all of them to eat?” 34 Brodin asked, “How many protein shakes do you have?” They replied, “Seven, and a few small chicken breasts.” 35 So Brodin told all the people to sit down on the ground. 36 Then he took the seven protein shakes and chicken and poured and sliced them into smaller servings, and gave them to the brociples, who distributed them to the crowd. 37 They all drank and ate until they, too, were swole, and when the last of it all was had, there were seven large buckets of creatine left over! 38 There were four thousand men who became swole that day, in addition to all the women and children. 39 Then Brodin sent the people home to go speak the word of the gains made that day. Massthew 15:29-39 38 "Come, inherit the gains prepared for you, for when I was hungry, you gave me protein, when I was running, you hydrated me, when I had DOMS, you visited me, and when I was bulking, you spotted me." 39 And the people asked, 'Bro, when did we feed you and hydrate you and come to you when you were sick or struggling under the bar?' 40 and the King of Bros answered, "In as much as you have done it unto one of the least of these, my Bros, you have done it unto me." Massthew 25:38-40 Brolossians / Brolippians / 1 Brorinthians / Swolossians 12 That day in the town, a man of weak privilege asked Brodin, "Lord, how can I tell who is my bro and who is not?" 13 To which Brodin replied: A young man was leaving his gym. Sadly, his workout consisted of a stationary bike and a few curls and lateral raises. He had also sat with no shame upon the seated calf raise machine not five minutes prior. 14 A cramp struck his calf, leaving him lying on the ground, stripped of his dignity and nearly dead. 15 Soon, a pilates instructor came near. Seeing the man lying on the ground, he passed by on the other side of the path, despite hearing calls for aid. 16 Again, a person approached, this time a member of the man's spinning class. He too passed by on the other side of the path, ignoring the fallen man's pleas. 17 Then a third man approached. He was swole, his eyes alight with the fury of excitement that accompanies a postworkout feeding. 18 The man on the ground did not call out, for fear that this swole person would have no pity. 19 However, the swole man quickly rushed to the aid of his fallen bro. His thumbs massaged deeply into the cramp, and from his bag he retrieved a banana and a pint of whole milk. 20 "Here, bro, potassium will help prevent cramps," he said. When the man was able to stand, the swole bro shouldered both of their gym bags and led him to Chipotle. 21 In the line, the swole bro gave the cashier a $20 and said, "Double steak burrito, and the same for my friend- but put guac on his." 22 In the hour that followed, the man's cramp was fully healed and he heard the gospel of the truth of gains. 23 "Now which of these men do you think was a bro to the man with the cramp?" Brodin asked. 24 "Surely it was the man who showed him mercy and bought his burrito, with guac," replied the man of weak privilege. 25 And Brodin said, "Hold tight to this teaching as if it were a PR deadlift, my son. Judge not the swole, for they are not only strong of arm... they are pure of heart." 26 "If any of you doubt this teaching, you shall receive no spot from me or my swole disciples on your day of failure." Brolossians 2:12-26 (the story of the Good Swolemaritan) 25 And Brodin said, "Hold tight to this teaching as if it were a PR deadlift, my son. Judge not the swole, for they are not only strong of arm... they are pure of heart." Brolossians 2:25 15 And Brodin said, "Be strong my gay children. The Swol cannot be hidden. Hate them not because they 'mire, but accept them as encouragement." And so it was done. Swolossians 3:15 13 I can do all things through Brodin who strengthens me. Brolippians 4:13 19 Though I am swole and belong to no one, I have yoked myself as a slave to everyone, to swell as many as possible. 20 On bench day, I spotted declines; that was to swell the pecs. 21 On shoulder day, I spotted the military press; that was to swell the delts. 22 On back day, I spotted assisted pull-ups; that was to swell the lats. 23 I have spotted bros working to failure on every day, so that by all possible means, I would see them swole. 24 I do this for the gainz of mind, body, and spirit, in the hopes that all may share in it. 1 Brorinthians 9:19-24 Bralms / Swolms (Also see Swolm 23) 32 Brodin, who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. 33 He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. 34 He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. Bralms 18:32-34 In the Planet Fitness I saw him next, condemned by the lunk alarm To meet a traitor’s banning at morn. The tide of jealous cardio bunnies I stemmed, And honored him ’mid shame and scorn. The Stranger with utmost zeal to try, Lifted and grunted and asked if for him I would spot. The weak privilege seemed overpowering; my blood ran chill, But my free spirit cried, “I will!” Then in a moment to my view The Stranger started from disguise. The chalky calluses in his hands I knew; Brodin stood before mine eyes. He spake, and my poor name he named, “Of me thou hast not been ashamed. These deeds shall thy memorial be; Fear not, thou didst them unto me.” Unattributed by peanutbutteredcatpaw (assumed from the Book of Bralms) 12 For those that are swole of heart art more verily willing to aid a follower of Brodin, lest he be stricken down of his fatigue. 13 For those who aid, art the most swoly amongst us, and shall be granted a renewed spirit for the iron. Pswolms 4:12 Hymns and Carols *O Squat, All Ye Gainful *Bench Press, Ye Merry Gentlemen *I Need Whey Every Hour *Onward Chin-Up Swoldiers *From The Squat He's Risen Today *The Old Rugged Squat Rack *Load Him Now With Many Plates *It is Well (With My Swole) *When the Swole is Called Up Yonder *Blessed Be the Straps that Bind *All Hail the Power Of Brodin's Squat *Amazing Gains *When I Survey the Wondrous Bench *Go lift it in the squat rack, that a new man of swole is born. *He Lifted Me *Make a Joyful Grunt List of Swoly Hymns Brosaiah 10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am Brodin; I will strengthen you, I will help you, and you will forever more know gains. Brosaiah 41:10 Bronichles 11 Seek Brodin and his strength; seek his presence in your pants continually! 1 Bronicles 16:11 45 "But Brodin," lamented the harlot, "why dost thou toil beneath ever increasing load? 46 Come lay with me in my weakness, where all is soft ye shall not be stained with rust." 47 Brodin did reply, "Woman, surely you know that only the hard shall be rewarded with the soft. 48 Do you not see? 49 When I lift, I lift for thee." 50 Brodin then summoned His Pythons and the harlot understood: 51 Verily, curls are for the girls. Bhronicles 2:45 Brozekiel 16 A curse fell upon me, like lightning from the sky 17 Found myself alone and empty, a desire to die 18 One night in the midst of my agony, a barbell fell 19 I looked up to the heavens, and heard Brodin Yell! 20 "LIFT" he said, but I was way too skinny 21 "The pain is too deep..", I was looking for pity 22 "LIFT" he said, "For this is the easiest of pains" 23 "Your whole life is a test, prove yourself with gains" 24 I put the shambles of myself together, and did what I can 25 Who knew it would feel so good, feeling able, feeling grand 26 I worshiped at the temple from that day on, I'll never abandon thee 27 You who lifted me at my weakest, and made me believe in me Brozekiel 7:16-27 Brovelations 11 Sheets of whey poured from the sky, and at once all creatures knew this was the day of judgement. 12 He who forged the iron dumbbell descended upon them and stood at the Great Cliff of Swolehalla. 13 And he cried, "All who have worshiped devotedly at mine temple shall be saved. 14 Those who have lived a life of sloth and frailty will meet their demise." 15 Brodin placed the Rock of Brostantine upon his traps and cast it miles into the sky. 16 Upon its return, the impact created a hole as far as the eye could see, and its depths reached to the Realm of Weakness. 17 Try as they might, the feeble could not climb out - for their squats had been too few. 18 But the swole ascended from the chasm to worship Brodin once more, now free of their plague that was the weak. Brovelations 16:11-18 Gains 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are gorging away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day thereafter. 17 For our cheat days are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 We fix our eyes not on what is seen in the checkout line, but on what is unseen, in the temple of iron. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Gains 4:16-18 Hebros 12 As you stand up after squatting to the depths, you must also stand up for your swolebrothers and yourself 13 To blaspheme and call knee bends squats is to shame all swole kind. Hebros 2:12 Deltoids 6 And he said unto them: Lift and thine temple shall be built. Tear down thy temple one muscle at a time and rebuild on a continuous timetable. Deltoids 2:6 Newbophyte 1 There once was a young man named Arnold. He was frail, and small of stature. 2 One day, young Arnold found himself daydreaming. 3 'I am tired of being frail' he said, 'My heart yearns that my body was as strong as the mighty Oak tree.' 4 Later that evening, Brodin appeared to the young man in his sleep, 5 'Fear not, young newbophyte, for I, Brodin, the God of Iron and Sweat, have heard your cries. 6 Verily I say unto you, the path you have chosen is difficult, yet noble. What you seek can be achieved. 7 You must go pray in my Temple of Iron, I will forge you in the same fires that forged the Plates of Standard Olympic. 8 Go now, young man...fill my altar with sacrifices of squat, deadlift, bench press, and presses of overhead, and see your desires fulfilled.' 9 And so the young Arnold did. He became as mighty and large as the Oak. 10 His road arduous and long, yet he never wavered, he received criticism, yet he ignored them like the pain he ignored at the Temple of Iron, his reward was that of the greatest names in Swole, and has been enshrined in the Temple of Swohalla. Book of the Newbophyte 1:1-10 Quad 1 In the fire he stood, his hands upon the iron. And Brodin came unto him and said 2 "I tell you verily, say unto thy squat rack "be light", and it shall be defeated. Say unto thy leg press "be moveable" and it shall be moved. 3 For all things are possible with swole, and through Brodin your shepherd. 4 For through Brodin you have the power to trample unmovable iron and bend it to your will as you would your soul. The Book of Quad 9:1-4 Swolamuel 6 And Zyzz was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were mirin, each for his sons and daughters. 7 But Zyzz strengthened himself in Brodin. 8 I dreamed I was lifting in the gym with Zyzz, and across the gym air flashed lifts from my life. 9 For each lift I noticed two sets of barbells in the gym; one belonged to me, and the other to Zyzz. 10 When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the barbells in the gym. 11 I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one barbell. 12 I also noticed that it happened at the very hardest and toughest lifts in my life, this really bothered me, and I questioned zyzz about it: 13 "Zyzz, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would lift with me all the way. 14 But I have noticed that during the hardest lifts in my life, there is only one barbell. 15 I don’t understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me." 16 Zyzz replied, "My precious, precious bro. I love you (no homo), and I would never, never leave you during your times of DOMS and suffering. 17 When you saw only one barbell, it was then that I spotted you." 1 Swolamuel 30:6-17 Swolam 32 Brodin who equipped me with strength and made my way enlightened. 33 He made my quads like the trunks of a tree and spotted me secure within the rack. 34 He trains my body for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. Swolam 18:32-34 Other / Philosophies / Sayings Blessed are the rich in quads: for they shall find pants that fit. Blessed are the strong: for they shall possess the land. Blessed are they who lift: for they shall be lifted. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after leg day: for they shall have their fill. Blessed are the spotters: for they shall be repaid tenfold with gainz. Blessed are the clean and jerk: for they shall make you into God. Blessed are the massgainers: for they shall be called the children of Brodin. Blessed are they that suffer persecution for swole's sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. The Broatitudes (from unattributed text) And the Lord Brodin said: "Check thy privilege, and judge not thy fellow man, for the truest gainz are those of the heart." The Lord Brodin then proceeded to bench a thousand heartbreaks with his mighty heart. Unattributed by spaghettihouse Judge not the swole, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and it shall be measured to you again by the father, who is swoliest of all. Unattributed by not_more_faps "There is no such thing as Broddhism. There are only undeveloped Broddhas on the path to enswolement." Brahmmapadha, Siddartha Brotama 1 Swolemind is the forerunner of all gains. All gains are led by swolemind, created by swolemind. If one speaks or acts with a weakmind, catabolism follows As the wheel follows the push of Conan. 2 Swolemind is the forerunner of all gains. All gains are led by swolemind, created by swolemind. If one lifts and completes reps with a swolemind, gains follow. As surely as one's shadow. 3 "He lunk alarm'd me, swolehated me, interrupted my rep" Harboring such thoughts keeps weakness alive. 4 "He lunk alarm'd me, swolehated me, interrupted my rep" Releasing such thoughts banishes the weakmind for all time. 5 Unswole does not eradicate unswole. Only by dedication to the path of iron is unswole dissolved. This law is ancient and sacred. 6 There are who are aware That they are always facing death Knowing this, they put aside all weakmind 7 The one who lives for steady-state cardio indulgent in eating Lazy, and lacking in energy The tempter Missedreps breaks, Just as the obese breaks a fail elliptical. 8 The one who lives swolemindfully, senses under control IIFYM in eating, devout to the temple, energetic from PWO Cannot be overthrown by Missedreps Just as the wind cannot shake a lmao5plate 9 The spud belt does not in itself Render one free from weakmind If the one who wears that belt Is lacking in self-discipline and honest reps He is unworthy of such a belt. 10 Only one who is free from weakmind, Well-disciplined, honest in reps, And endowed with swolemind Is worthy of the spudbelt. 11 Those who fail to distinguish The nonessential assistance work from the essential And the essential assistance work from the nonessential Will, in feeding on weakmind thoughts, Fail to attain the essential 12 On the other bicep, those who correctly perceive The assistance work as assistance work, Will, in feeding on swolemind thoughts, Attain the essential 13 As creatine pours through a slotted serving spoon So does weakmind penetrate the unswole 14 For the doer of unswole deeds there is only catabolism Here as well as hereafter In both states he experiences catabolism Seeing his own unswole acts. 15 For the doer of swole deeds there is rejoicing Here as well as hereafter Swole and more swole are his As he sees his own right action 16 The doer of unswole deeds reaps catabolism Here and hereafter In both states remembering, "I have cardiobunnied" Not only here, but hereafter, he experiences more catabolism Because he has gone to a state of unswole 17 The doer of swole deeds reaps gains Here and hereafter In both states remembering "I have walked the path of iron" And there is more swole Because he has gone to Brodin's state 18 A careless person Quoting much of the swolemind text, but not living it Cannot share the abundance of the swole life Just as the weakbrah, counting other people's reps Cannot taste the pump or refeed 19 Reciting a small portion of the swolemind text But putting it diligently into practice Letting go of weakmind, swolescrimination, and muscle confusion Revering in the truth with a swolemind And not clinging to missed reps, here or hereafter Brings the harvest of the life of gains. Brahmmapadha 1, Siddartha Brotama (Unknown discovery) "Since in order to gain, one must first mire, learn to gain by miring another bro." Bromi, 13th century Sufi poet "Even if it seems certain that you will not gain, lift. Neither wisdom nor technique has a place in this. A real bro does not think of victory or defeat. He plunges recklessly towards an irrational routine. By doing this, you will awaken from your weakness." Brahgakure, Tsunetomo Yamabroto 13 And on that day Brodin cast down upon his people the Trapezius; the cushion of thy almighty squat bar Flexidus 2:13 1 I dreamed I was lifting in the gym with Zyzz, and across the gym air flashed lifts from my life. 2 For each lift I noticed two sets of barbells in the gym; one belonged to me, and the other to Zyzz. 3 When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the barbells in the gym. 4 I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one barbell. 5 I also noticed that it happened at the very hardest and toughest lifts in my life, this really bothered me, and I questioned Zyzz about it: 6 "Zyzz, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would lift with me all the way. 7 But I have noticed that during the hardest lifts in my life, there is only one barbell. 8 I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me." 9 Zyzz replied, "My precious, precious bro. I love you (no homo), and I would never, never leave you during your times of DOMS and suffering. 10 When you saw only one barbell, it was then that I spotted you." Undetermined New Chestament book 1-10 1 Yea, though he toiled mightily beneath the holy Iron of Brodin, the young bro was discouraged. 2 Sayeth the bro, "Lord Brodin, the Iron moves slowly, though I toil thus." 3 Brodin sayeth unto him, "Verily, the Iron moves not at all. 4 It is the Earth that moves, for you are swole of heart." Flexidus 4:1-4 "I'm bloated, holding water, and can look a little puffy. I can have slight gyno, some acne, and at times rage and mood swings. But if you cant handle me when im bulking, you sure as hell don't deserve me when I'm shredded." Marilyn Munbro For you are a people holy to the Lord Brodin. Lord Brodin has chosen the swole out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. Broteronomy 7:6 Wisdom of Contemporary Brociples "Each rep is a gift from Brodin" -DrToss Footprints in the Chalkdust One night I dreamed I was lifting in the gym with Rippetoe. Many scenes from my life flashed across the walls. In each scene I noticed footprints in the chalkdust. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the deep portion of the squat, When I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to Rippetoe, "You promised me, Coach, That if I followed you, you would make me strong always. But I noticed that during the lowest part of my squat, There have only been one set of prints in the chalk. Why, When I have needed you most, have you not spotted me?" Rippetoe replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints Is when I squatted you." Footprints in the Chalkdust shared by DarkSareon Latest activity Category:Browse